Why Engineering?

12th March 2021

Finally! A no nonsense article. Trust me, this is a true story (unlike some of the other stories that have exaggerations). This is the story that inspired me to live the way I’m living, and to write unfiltered stories on ‘randomly accessed memories’.

Disclaimer:

1. Nobody (at work)… I mean nobody has truly seen my emotional side. This story is going to be different. Seven years ago the conclusion brought me to my knees and brought tears (of joy) to my eyes… It still has the same effect…
2. The term bonded is used loosely in this story. It may not refer to chemical bonding

Murphy’s law:

The commonly heard (and misinterpreted) version: “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong”

The story starts in 2014. I was back to the F-school to finish up the course work after a heart-wrenching internship in which mediocre people on top refused to accept my report just because it was too difficult for them to understand. Soon after, once I returned to the F-school, I was engulfed in an administrative issue and forced into a mentally unstable state. My mental state requires elaboration - I will try my best to explain:

My mental state

1. I started losing trust in the system. In fact, I started believing that the system was designed to screw ME and to screw everyone in support of ME
2. I started losing trust in people - family, friends, backstabbers, enemies, everyone… I stopped meeting or talking to the people who matter the most to me. I preferred living alone
3. I gave up every activity I was passionate about - volunteering, volleyball, (and more) … I lost interest in every other activity I was interested in - science, fitness, (junk) food, listening to music, (and more) …
4. I started feeling an urge to get things done quickly and to move on to the next issue. I could not realize or understand the long term rewards of anything - passion, health, friendship, family, …
5. I did not pay attention to my health. I ate at most once a day. Sometimes I slept for more than 12 hours a day; sometimes, without any purpose, I slept less than 2 hours a day
6. I skipped as many classes as I could because I had no interest in what was being taught at the F-school. I used to attend classes to satisfy the minimum attendance; I slept during most of the classes. Naturally, my grades were on a downward slide
7. As a result of the administrative issue, I was banned from representing the F-school, with the added clause that I would be rusticated if I represented the F-school name in any way. When I tried to pursue few activities, paranoia of being digitally tracked took over my mind. I spent majority of the day looking for listening bugs and other listening/spying devices in my room. I stopped all using data related services on my smart phone and turned off as many background services as I could
8. I started noticing every irrelevant (noisy) change around me. Meanwhile, my attention to important details started decreasing
9. I stopped sharing or caring
10. I saw no purpose in life
11. I rarely spoke
12. I did not have a source of comfort. Religion was never my cup of tea
13. I did not recall the last time I smiled
14. Sometimes I felt extreme head ache. The ache did not go away after resting / sleeping
15. Sometimes I felt the need to express emotions - like smiling or crying, but I felt I had no joy or tears
16. I did not believe in motivational speakers (still true). I did not read books. I had no reliable sources for solving my problems

My paranoia hit its peak when I assumed every single conversation was recorded and used as evidence against me. At the same time, I started noticing my sloppiness in trivial aspects like walking - I stumbled at a higher rate than usual (mostly because I hurried to get out of others’ sight). As a result, I was convinced that every single event was a conspiracy to bring me down (for people who don’t understand this psychology - a single major event with a negative outcome is not as bad as a collection of several negative events that happen simultaneously in a seemingly related way). I lost every single form of sanity, hope and peace. Due to my poor grades I was convinced that I will remain jobless FOREVER. I had only two things - a body and a life, but nothing to look forward to.

The trigger - a small event

My eyesight was not perfect; I wore spectacles. I’m never used to finding them where I usually store them in my room (yeah, I’m clumsy). Combined with my paranoia and my hastiness, I felt extremely annoyed when I failed to find them quickly.

Around three months into my mental problems:

Another mundane day of classes ended. I slept through most sessions and returned to my room in the afternoon. As usual, I lost sight of my spectacles. I was extremely annoyed that I could not find them. I decided to give it a break and went to bed. As soon as I sat on the bed, I felt something cracking under my ass. No bonus points for guessing - my spectacles were on my bed. I broke the frame around the right hinge. The tiny screw hole on the right side was broken and there was no way to fix it by myself.

The right lens came out of the socket, but it was not damaged. The fix was straight forward - purchase a new frame and fit the lens. But this was never an option given my mental state (when the mind is clogged it isn’t trivial to see all the available options). I had failed multiple times. My mind said “Enough is enough”. I had to fix it by myself

Failure to fix the frame was not acceptable, but my mind was planning for failure. The thoughts in my mind went like this: “What if I fail?” -> “I will wear the specs without the right handle and lens” -> “That doesn’t work. My right eye has a higher power, and the purpose of wearing the specs was to compensate for the difference” -> “I’ve given enough trouble for people around me, I cannot seek their help” -> “There’s no choice; I have to fix it by myself”.

Superglue to the rescue (read: rhyming!)

I bought five packs of superglue from a store. I don’t recall the onward or return journey; I don’t remember the walk back to my room; I don’t remember any significant event around the trigger - extremely uncharacteristic of me. My mind was filled with the task at hand - to fix the specs. In my mind there was no perceived reward for fixing it, but there was a severe penalty for failure.

I added a drop of superglue on one side of the broken hinge and pressed the other side on top of the superglue. Unfortunately, both surfaces were metallic and smooth. The superglue did not dry. I positioned both sides of the broken hinge and let it dry for several minutes - no luck. I poured more superglue around the hinge; in the process I got superglue on my fingers and on the lens. I rubbed my fingers on my notebook to get rid of the superglue, but my fingers stuck to the paper. I felt the heat released by drying superglue; I was convinced that my fingers were bonded to the paper. I managed to separate them, but felt that my thumb and index finger print had dissociated (paranoia). I used a small piece of paper to get rid of the superglue from the lens, but a small amount of superglue had hardened on top of the lens. Independently, I observed that superglue was very effective between two pieces of paper. Meanwhile, I quickly realized that I had no way to fix the broken hinge. This was it - I failed to fix the spectacles, and had my fingerprint dissociated in the process (an assumption, but I was convinced).

Done and dusted?

A part of me told me not to give up, but it was an empty thought. “What do I prove to myself if I don’t have positive results?”. “What do I prove to others if I cannot prove anything to myself?”. This was a point in life when I was worried about others’ perception of my actions. When a person is depressed, paranoid, hopeless and unstable, negative reinforcement loops kick in, bringing more negative thoughts. I remembered the previous occurrence of sustained mental depression that lasted more than 1 month during IIT days. I recalled that the flora and fauna at IIT brought me back from the depression. There was no such escape in Gurgaon; I realized I was stuck.

The solution is in the failure

I rested on my bed thinking about the three failures: 1) the failed fix, 2) my dissociated fingerprints (assumed), 3) myself. I asked fundamental questions to myself - “Why did I pursue engineering?”, “Why am I here?”, “What’s the use if I cannot fix such a simple thing?”. I had no answers to these questions… But I knew only one thing - once I commit to something I never give up. NEVER!

Few hours later I was up again, trying to fix the broken hinge. I had no bright ideas, but I wanted to try. “What if I wrap a rubber band or a thread around the two sides?”. “It will look ugly. So what?”. After trying the idea, I quickly realized it doesn’t work. The ear support was unstable at the hinge and the right lens dropped below my line of sight. “Ok, what next?”

After few iterations with superglue, thread and rubber band, I came to terms that I cannot fix it. A baseless thought in my mind said “Alright, now that it’s broken for good, why don’t I experiment on it?”. “Alright, a sheet of paper screwed my fingerprints. Why don’t I used it to screw with the hinge? Let me stick paper on both sides and screw with the hinge”. So, I took a large sheet of paper, applied superglue on one side of the broken hinge and pressed it on the sheet of paper - they bonded very quickly and effectively. Similarly, I bonded the other side of the hinge with another sheet of paper. I had two oversized sheets of paper hanging on either sides of the hinge. I was mildly pleased that something worked during an otherwise depressing day. I did not realize that I solved the problem!

Even though the sheets of paper were very strongly bonded to either sides of the broken hinge, I could not connect the dots. I was staring at the individual pieces for 30 minutes. The bond was so strong that I found it extremely hard to pull the extra paper from either side of the hinge. I used a pair of scissors to cut away the extra paper on both sides. In the process, I had an awakening - during the experiment I realized that paper bonded well with the metallic frame; purely by accident I realized that paper and paper bonded well. Eureka! I applied superglue on the unbonded side of the paper on one side of the hinge, and pressed it with the unbonded paper on the other side of the hinge. The glue started drying and bonding quickly. I quickly aligned the ear supports on both sides and allowed it to dry. At this instant I had an inexplicable feeling of joy and sadness. I held the specs by the right ear support and found that it could support 100% of the weight. Finally, I was successful!

The realization

The success was accompanied by smile, tears and a childish feeling of awe. I don’t have an explanation for the smile and tears, but I can explain the feeling of awe. Ever since I was a child I’m fascinated by scientific experimentation. I have high regard for:

• chemists who mix two mysterious chemicals and blow up the whole lab, and go home with electric hair (like this)
• physicists who conduct high energy experiments to search for subatomic particles
• engineers who design and build enormous structures that stood the test of time even though they can fail spectacularly
• Mortal Kombat characters who blow up the planet to perform a FATALITY (watch this. Well, I couldn’t avoid some humor)

The answers were clear. I pursued engineering not because everyone around me pursued it to secure a job. I wanted to set an unachievable goal for my future; I wanted to be challenged. I wanted to stare at the face of failure every day. I wanted to discard old ideas in favor of newer, more advanced ideas. I wanted to solve problems that impact the lives of people, and not just create quadrants to explain concepts that people on top don’t understand. I wanted to learn… and learn… and learn… and to apply those learnings to realize outcomes (tangible / intangible) that improve future lives.

Aftermath… to the future!

During the last few days of F-school, I risked rustication and represented the F-school in volleyball, meeting amazing players and people, and making new friends among rivals (experiences here). I volunteered (experiences here) tirelessly without representing the F-school. I kept fit, drank on glass of beetroot juice daily, ate a half-fried egg daily. I restored my passions, and defined and refined my life. I didn’t bother about others’ opinions (including parents) as long as I understood that I was doing it to fulfill my goals.

What happened to my career? I decided to risk my career trying to switch back to engineering. I chose data science - a route that had a much lower risk than a mission to Mars or a building construction project. But the path was not smooth. It took strong belief in my goals, stubborn resistance to mediocrity, and stubborn resistance to parents by trading off short term rewards (becoming a manager who doesn’t have to know anything) for long term returns (becoming a scientists who knows something) to get to where I am. It all started with broken specs and a refusal to give up. NO! It all started when I was a child, when my curiosity drove me to think “What does this button do?”, and my stubbornness occasionally drove me to push the button and to go back home with electric hair.

My urge to write this story led me to start the ‘randomly accessed memories’ page. Even today this story holds an important place in my mind, and the learnings have become an integral part of my life and career. I shed tears as I write this story, but, more importantly, I find enormous strength in myself to overcome the odds. As of today, that small fix, that small victory, is the greatest victory of my life.

Nowadays I occasionally sit on things and break them (unintentionally). When something breaks, I laugh at my clumsiness and get on with my life. I try to fix the broken item only if it is necessary. I don’t complain about mediocre colleagues (fortunately, now I’m at a place where have no reason to complain) or the situation I put myself through to be who I am today (in fact, I cherish the experiences). When work doesn’t go well, I seek short / long term rewards from other independent interests. I recognize and enjoy every small (infrequent) victory. I’m prepared for (frequent) great defeats. If I’m paranoid and / or depressed, I think about my goals and try to answer fundamental philosophical questions to rethink my goals and to understand “why I am who I am” and “what I want to be”. I consider mental issues as opportunities to re-evaluate and re-think goals. Consequently, after 2014 none of my depressions lasted more than 1 day.

I still don’t have answers to all the fundamental philosophical questions on life, but I have mild opinions based on real life experiences shared by many people. I’m open to explore new ideas… especially the ones that sound like a mad scientist’s lab experiment, a stubborn kid’s future plan, or a drunk person’s walk with an impetuous dog.

I don’t blame my situation or life for punching me in the nuts. It doesn’t matter if we fail. It’s more important that we stand up for our ways, live through trauma and make an honest attempt at defining our successes and pursuing dreams that seem unachievable. Sometimes a failure teaches us more than a success. Sometimes a failure opens the door to a journey that’s wilder and more enjoyable than a moment of success - just like the failed effort to stick two pieces of metal together with superglue that led to the prospect of using paper as an intermediary. Life is full of crazy possibilities, isn’t it?

PS: I don’t carry the pair of spectacles even though it has emotional value, but the experience goes with me everywhere!